Apple iPhone X: 10 Logical Reasons Why You Can’t Wait To Buy This Phone
Have you ever been to a museum or dance recital and there is that one person who is taking a picture or recording video with their iPad? The
iPhone X is going to create a world in which those people no longer exist. The iPhone X is going to create a world in which your step-dad no longer challenges you for dominance while at the same time chiding you for not knowing how to switch out the differential on a 1985 Buick Regal without having to look it up on the YouTube. The iPhone X is going to create a plane of existence in which we all float, basic forms of matter seeing the world through Animojis and the notch. Maybe you aren’t convinced, maybe you need ten reasons to buy the iPhone X.
These reasons won’t be making comparisons to the Samsung Galaxy Note 8 or the mysterious SM-G888N0. There is plenty of material on the internet that makes the obvious comparisons between the iPhone X and whatever Samsung was producing two phone versions ago. We all know that
Android phones manufactured by Samsung already contain many of the features that will be found on the iPhone X. That’s not the point. The iPhone X is clearly a self-contained piece of technology, like the back massager you found in your mom’s dresser. Sure, many people have a back massager, but this one belongs to your mom.
As to what are the differences between the iPhone 8 and the iPhone X? Who cares? It’s not going to change your mind. That’s like asking what is the difference between what happens at 2am behind the Wawa versus what’s going on behind the 7-11. It’s all minute details and let’s be honest, you want that sweet Wawa salted caramel coffee, not that burnt black water from 7-11. Price doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that your soul will be in a better place with the iPhone X. The iPhone 8 is just a wet towel to the warm glory of the iPhone X. Here are ten reasons you are spending your days giving your current phone the stink eye as you anxiously sweat out the hours until pre-order on October 27th.
X: You can’t afford it. It’s a testament to our values as slaves to consumerism that we wouldn’t hesitate to spend more than $1000 on a phone. Even if you happen to work for T-Mobile and get a discount, it’s still an expensive phone. But in the land of holiday layaway and stores that exist simply to rent furniture, there is no logical reason not to go into debt to purchase the iPhone X.
IX: Steve Jobs is dead. If you haven’t noticed, the sense of pride and innovation behind Apple products has been replaced with a luxury consumer faced ecosystem. Apple seems to be less concerned about changing the tech landscape and content with just slightly improving upon it and keeping its fan-base satiated with Apple Watch bands. The turtleneck sweater coziness of Apple won’t be making a comeback. The iPhone X is the climax of this shift in focus.
VIII: You are a tech douchebag. You have to have the latest and greatest. Your 3D-DVD player in the garage is proof of that. When asked why you want the iPhone X, you just shrug. You know damn well that if you don’t have the latest piece of tech your life means nothing. It means less than nothing. You don’t exist without every single new piece of technology. The iPhone X is just one of many phones you own, each one a month newer than the last. You still buy Laserdiscs. You have a VR rig for each room. You are a tech god.
VII: You want your face and fingerprint to be in a database. Like Touch ID, Apple is adamant that it will not store facial recognition data. We’re just paranoid enough to not believe that for a second. Our tin foil hats burn with the knowledge that some secret government organization that we thought was cool but was actually infiltrated by Hydra (though it all seems like Hydra currently) is cataloging our faces and fingerprints.
VI: You’re going to need a phone case. The iPhone X will come with an IP67 rating, not IP68 like some more rugged, awesome phones that you can bludgeon someone with, while underwater, and then still text your loan shark that he needs to send more guys. Regardless, it is a glass phone. You might be able to fish it out of the toilet without causing any damage, but you might be out of luck if you drop it on the sidewalk. Thankfully, cases exist that are just as ostentatious as the iPhone X.
V: It’s all screen baby. That no bezel screen is sexy. When I look at that screen I feel like Patrick Bateman admiring his biceps in the mirror or monaloguing about Huey Lewis The News. 5.8 inches of OLED multi-touch goodness with fingerprint resistant oleophobic coating and Super Retina HD display. This screen is the screen that will change the face of the iPhone forever. Except for one small detail.
IV: The notch. For app developers, handling the notch is just some simple CSS trickery. For users, there has been a mixed response to the notch. It’s either a terrible design choice, or proof that Apple is still an innovative company with the notch being called a “defining feature,” like the scar on Harry Potter’s forehead or Carl’s pouting. You can even put the notch on your Android phone if you are so inclined.
III: Animorphism. The Animojis, animated versions of emojis that use face mapping, are a new feature of iOS 11 and will come to full fruition with the high powered camera and screen of the iPhone X. The technology here is amazing. ARKit and the ability to morph and reconstruct faces with real-time animation is close enough to mind-blowing as possible. The animorphic sexting is the real winner here. There will be nothing like whispering dirty missives to your significant other through an animated face of a poop emoji with a fraction of the charm of Sir Patrick Stewart.
II: Selfie life 4eva. With a dual rear camera and a depth sensing front camera your selfie game is about to be leveled up exponentially. An Apple-designed ISP (Image Signal Processor) will improve pixel processing, low-light auto-focus and noise reduction. Face ID will also allow for portrait mode on the front facing camera. If you’ve ever wanted to be an Instagram influencer because of your awesome pictures of random stuff we all have in our backyards, the iPhone X camera setup will open up a new bag of possibilities. That wasn’t a fence until you stood in front of it, looked off camera and blurred the background. Now it’s a fence. The lighting is perfect. You should Snapchat that. Hashtag #fencelife.
I: Your iPhone 4S keeps getting bricked. Let’s be brutally clear, if you aren’t in the head space that you can accept the love of iOS 11 without it bricking your phone, and therefore your life, then your therapist is probably writing a case study about you. Your therapist talks to her therapist about you. Your mom calls you daily to ask how you are with a high level of passive aggressive disappointment as to why she doesn’t have grandchildren by now. The iPhone X is the thing you need to turn it all around. Apple knows this. You know this. Don’t fight it. You simply can’t.